who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
