Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
