This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
