I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Someone came in the potted fern
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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