You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Randomize
