Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
