so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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