I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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