Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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