so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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