Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
