while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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