She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
