So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
