I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
