we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
