when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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