8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
