Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
it wasn't lemon gatorade
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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