So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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