normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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