last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
