I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
