I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
