Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Randomize
