Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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