I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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