I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
