My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
