I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
