Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
