i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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