The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
