If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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