Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
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