I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Randomize
