Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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