I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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