I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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