Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
