My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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