Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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