Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
