My boss' voice literally gives me gas
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
