Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
