I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
