Michael Bay diarrhea
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
