I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
