I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
