So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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