I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
