There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
