the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
